I just realized I have no idea how to deal with compliments.

#LotsOfAwkwardMoments

They say beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, and to this beholder, beauty is in the eyes. Joy is the best makeup a girl can wear. Wonderment makes any man attractive. Let there be light in your eyes. Let amusement & enjoyment & knowledge & relationships & faith & trust have your focus, & people will naturally be drawn to you.

I don’t know why, but I frequently lose track of the way I ought to handle things.

My mind overflows with thousands and thousands of poignant words about the way I feel daily towards a certain matter, but I’m baffled how, sometimes, when I securely have the pen in my grip, my journal laying flat and still on my lap or bed with empty (unruled) pages waiting to be filled with rich words from the heart (or when facing the laptop screen and touching the keypad), the sentences that I ought to scribble down to express the way I feel and think deep inside just quickly vanish. They disappear like a thief in the night that comes and leaves without any warning. The very thought of the whole idea is still there, I know for sure, but the problem is I can’t find a way to let it slip from my mind to my hand and fingers. The pen just seems to lose direction. What could the possible problem be? What could be the thing that’s causing all this? I am in search for it, but finding the reason behind it will always be like hunting for the one and only hiding possibility in a world jam-packed with millions of impossibilities.

The only thing I want is to be able to let the world have a glimpse of the small habitat I keep within my mind. I want others to see the beauty that the mentality within my head is concealing. I want them to know that there’s a gift waiting to be discovered in the depths of the sea of my thoughts.

Now I just hope everybody’s willing to swim my bottomless and ample ocean of thoughts, feelings and ideas.

I think that’s also the very reason why I get too emotionally attached to people who really get me (even if we’ve just met) and don’t need to delve into my personal life first before they know how it is exactly to fit right in my shoes. It’s as if they’re reading me like a book and to be in dire need of a novel is no longer an issue. There are some people in my life who have been lost with me in a deep conversation and it just amazes me how our talk seems to never end. It just flows freely. It’s nonstop. And that’s also the very reason why I mourn, my heart weeping like a sad fountain in a forlorn park, every time it’s time to take separate ways already. I get the weirdest longing to be with those certain persons again and childish as I might seem to be, but I always wish I could turn back time or at least pause it and lock the moments in the sachet of my heart and afterwards throw the key into the bottomless pit of the forgotten.

I hope it’s that effortless to write the things that my mind and heart bring into being each day.
I hope it’s that easy to express things in a way that everyone would understand.
I hope it’s that easy to just lend them my mind sometimes.
I hope it’s that easy to transfer the things from within me to them and get them understand the whole point of being the way I am.

That’s why I not only want to write write, but write express.

Oh! the splendor of the chuckle of every little child I know! Praise God, praise God!

I can’t stop thanking and praising the Lord every time I see the adorable children our church has every Saturday afternoon and Sunday morning playing, laughing, singing their hearts out to Him and displaying evident marks of delight in serving the Lord in little ways such as reciting memory verses and offering diminutive songs of praise. My heart is like a well of tears whenever they approach me, waving, saying hi with my name after it. Oh, how I’ve been blessed! How did I become so fortunate of having the ministry of teaching kids sing for the Lord and telling them stories from the Bible about the good Saviour named Jesus who lived only for the purpose of dying for the people He loved? What did I do to receive such a wonderful blessing? The feeling cannot be bought by money. The feeling cannot be traded with a free trip around the world or by any ego-fattening words of flattery.

I am resolved to never barter this phenomenal sensation of love and care towards the children I took time to actually love. I’m satisfied. I love where I am right now. I give endless praise to the Lord for enabling me to minister to kids through music. There is no any other way out. I’m trapped and it’s also not my intention to search for the small light inside the dark tunnel and follow it to the very end, for what I’ve found is never a place of distress. It’s not a tunnel. It’s a well. A deep one that’s full of the Lord’s blessings where, when you lower down a bucket, you can find and hollow out an abundant supply of love, proper concern and affection lying underneath its clear, sweet, thirst-quenching water.

This love for the children—it grows one cubit each day within my heart. I won’t be surprised when the day comes for it to pop and can’t help but shed parts of it to the creatures around me. Still, it’s the Lord Who adds the love every passing of every day. You just have to guard it, pray for it and make sure you ask more of it.

There are some things that I’ve been dealing with lately. I don’t know why, but I have quite been feeling extremely insecure deep inside for a while and I don’t know how to cure it until the Lord has come up with a solution in every Bible reading I’ve been having everyday. He’s too good. He never fails to give answers to questions that seem incapable of being answered. He’s always there to comfort my hurting soul.

Loneliness- God gives me little friends (the children from everywhere) to ease up the creeping feeling within me and makes me realize that I’m truly never lonely. These kids love me and they like seeing me. They have fun through me and with me. 

Low self-esteem- There are people all around me who value my talents and abilities. I am affecting people’s lives. Just because they don’t tell me every day doesn’t mean it isn’t a daily occurrence.

No direction- God didn’t give me passions and talents for nothing. He does have a plan, and even if I don’t know it, I’m going to carry it out because I am constantly seeking the will of God.

Lack of discipline- You don’t have to change overnight. You can never do it. Doing small things everyday like guitar scales and check-book balancing with intention and joy will build discipline.